You want to live. Remember that.
You have people who love you and people that you love more than anything. You want to do it for them. The only way you can help them is by helping yourself. You have a life you like! You don’t know where it’s leading but that’s ok. You want that life. You don’t want to go back to treatment. Yes it was safe and warm there but you have those memories. Embrace them, let them be a part of you. Going back will not recreate that. You will not learn anything by getting sicker. It will not be “better than the first time”. There are things that you want to do in life. Vague aspirations and flickering bursts of light that you want to fight towards. You want to be strong but you don’t know how yet. That’s why you think you want to be weak. You don’t. You know how to be weak so it’s safe but it’s not what you want.
You want to live. You want to live. You want to live.